SEB Bulletin January 2008
Ratbag
Dr Workhard was standing in the wings of a makeshift stage in the Department of Biology's main lecture theatre, dressed as a circus ringmaster. It was the last day before the winter break and the Department was having its Xmas party. This always included a pantomime that by tradition was an opportunity to make fun of the senior staff.
Workhard had a visceral dislike of the Xmas party, staying just long enough to be noticed and then slipping out when he knew he would not be missed, usually just as “the Panto” began. This had the added benefit that he missed any of the so-called “jokes” that were aimed at him. He had intended to do the same this year but in a moment of weakness had agreed to take part in the Panto. He was now reflecting on why he had not displayed greater strength of character.
At the first rehearsal, he had discovered that rather than having a small walk-on part he was, instead, the lead actor, was to narrate the story, tell some jokes and was even expected to sing! There had been no script and over weeks of rehearsals his part had developed through improvisation, inspiration and the impromptu introduction of innuendo. Each new idea seemed to provide an opportunity to increase his potential embarrassment and he grew concerned about the effect the performance would have on his reputation. However, this was offset by a secret but long-held desire to try his hand at acting.
Now his stage debut was upon him. Suddenly the lights dimmed, the music started and his mind went blank. He could not remember any of his lines or jokes, not even the tune to his song. His knees were shaking, his stomach was churning and the three brandies he had drunk to quieten his nerves began to make his head spin. But he had barely a moment to take in these sensations before someone pushed him in the back and he stumbled onto the stage. Looking up he was faced by the tiered ranks of the packed lecture theatre. His academic colleagues were sitting in the front row with smiles that indicated they were eagerly anticipating his humiliation.
After a moment's confusion, Workhard saw the hidden prompt cards, there for the times when memories failed. He found the one with his opening lines and began to recite them in a shaky voice that became squeakier as his nervousness increased. Somehow he managed to get through the first few minutes until he was joined by the other characters. At this point his confidence and memory started to return and soon he found himself enjoying the experience. The brandies were now fully effective and a euphoria crept over him which was heightened when several of his jokes drew much laughter and applause. Even his song went well, despite his tuneless voice.
Finally the end was in sight and he was left with just the closing speech to make, alone on the stage. Overcome with success, he decided to ditch the script and improvise by making fun of some colleagues whom he knew to be absent. His jokes at the expense of Davina Makepeace, the Director of the Paws and Claws Institute, Drs Soks and Sandells, the ecologists, and Tony Armani, a Pro-Vice Chancellor, all went down very well. Finally, he launched into a mimicry of the Vice-Chancellor who had a rather distinctive walk and a strong regional accent, both of which Workhard had practiced in secret. This drew peals of raucous laughter, but mainly from the students. The academics remained ominously silent.
Now it was over and, flushed with excitement, he accepted the cheers of the audience. As the room lights rose, he glanced to the back of the lecture theatre and, to his horror, saw the V-C and Tony Armani who must have returned early from their conference in Bulgaria. They stared malevolently at him before storming through the exit. Workhard knew he was in trouble and the opposite reactions of the staff and students were now clear. To a person the academics had remained self-interestedly quiet. The euphoria gone, Workhard tried to look cheerful while he took the final bows with the cast. Off stage he reflected ruefully that he must now postpone the promotion application he had been planning but he gave thanks that he had tenure.