SEB Bulletin July 2005 - Rat Bag
The latest University initiative was giving Workhard a headache. By the end of the week he had to propose ways to link research in Biology with that in other Departments. It was all part of V-C's response to the latest Government White Paper “More for Less: Greater Value in Higher Education”.
The V-C had proposed they should form “Virtual Institutes” that would cross traditional boundaries and provide a new model for the future organisation of all universities. The V-C had sold the idea to the Senate as a great new innovation that they could collectively take credit for, as well as an easy way to make the “efficiency savings” the White Paper required. In his cynical moments Workhard felt the hidden agenda was to raise the V-C's profile amongst those who would soon be appointing the Chief Executive of the new Higher Education Efficiency Agency but he couldn't admit that to any of his colleagues in the Department.
Workhard's problem was that Biology had been selected to be in the vanguard of this enterprise. The words “no win”, “rock” and “hard place” kept occurring to him but he knew he had no choice - he had to come up with something. After a month and with the deadline fast approaching he had still not had any inspiration. Then Davina Makepeace came to see him.
Professor Makepeace was Director of the Centre for Foot Biology which had been set up five years ago with generous support from a Research Council Initiative to promote anatomical sciences. Now, however, the funding was coming to an end and she wanted to discuss the Department taking on financial responsibility for the six Professors in the Centre. Workhard was not enthusiastic about this, partly for financial reasons but mainly because he had resented the way the members of the Centre had remained aloof and had considered themselves an elite, concentrating only on research and showing disdain for those who also had to teach and do administration.
After two hours he and Makepeace had not reached a meeting of minds. Workhard insisted that the only way it could be done was if the Professors contributed fully to teaching and administration while Makepeace was arguing they had to concentrate on research to maximise the Department's performance in the next RAE. However, things had improved when Workhard had said, forlornly, that the only way something might be done was if they could identify a way to tap into the V-C's funds for establishing the new Virtual Institutes. Makepeace's eyes had glinted and she had left saying she would come back in a day or two with a proposal.
What she came up with had Workhard reeling with admiration. She proposed the “Paws and Claws Institute” which would have the remit “to explore the impact of lower terminal appendages on the evolution of animals and their social organisation, including human societies”. She had enlisted colleagues in every Faculty of the University including phylogenists, sociologists, anthropologists, ethologists , graphologists, meteorologists and psephologists. It seemed there was no aspect of life on the planet or human endeavour and scholarship that had not been influenced by feet! She even had a motto for the Institute “Feet: Where Life Touches The Earth”.
By the end of the week, Workhard was able to submit his proposal to the University and was so pleased with Davina Makepeace that he had agreed to take on all of the Professors without any need for them to contribute to the Department (other than through their research) for the next ten years. Fortunately, this decision had been made easier by Davina acquiring support from a footwear company that had agreed to fund three of the Professorships. Workhard wasn't sure that naming Chairs after brands of shoes called SoftSole, JogEasy and Drifeet was entirely appropriate but that was a fair price to pay for the win-winwin situation he found himself in. Win 1: he had submitted a proposal that was being praised as visionary, Win 2: the V-C would be in with a shout for higher office, and Win 3: Davina Makepeace had saved her colleagues' jobs.
Reflecting on all of this, Workhard sat back in his chair and placed his feet on his desk, and as he did so admired the JogEasy X1000 top-of-the-range running shoes the shoe company had sent him for free “to cement our new collaboration”. He just hoped he hadn't broken any University rules on unsolicited gifts when he had put them on.