SEB Bulletin October 2007 - Ratbag
A regular diet of gossip titbits overheard by the lab rat.
Dr Workhard was a great fan of Formula One motor racing. He spent many Sundays glued to his TV watching brightly coloured cars roar around Grand Prix circuits in exotic locations across the world. And slowly, over the years, his hours of viewing had created a scientific fantasy for him. When he saw the winning drivers on the podium he marvelled at the many and various sponsors' logos they had on their overalls. There wasn't a square inch of their attire that did not have a product or company name emblazoned on it. Why, he pondered, couldn't scientists do the same thing? Wouldn't it be a great source of income if graduate students could be used as advertising hoardings in this way?
And now the fantasy had become reality. After a year of endless meetings and tough negotiations, Workhard had made it happen. All lab coats in the Department now had the names of a host of scientific companies on them. The back had been the most sought after spot because it allowed the biggest logo. Selling this had been easy and everyone now sported the name of the Department's major chemical supplier across their shoulders. The breast pocket had also been fought for and bore the name of a seed company. The two side pockets were each bought too; one by a glassware company, the other by a supplier of molecular biology kits. Sleeves, lapels, collars and all other available areas of fabric had all been sold to the highest bidder. Even the rights to the buttons had been traded - they were now in the bright corporate colours of a start-up biotech company.
Workhard's efforts had not stopped at lab coats. He had secured a contract for baseball caps from a multinational drug company. They were in a fetching combination of green and blue and had caught on in a big way with many of the students and postdocs who wore them at all times and in a variety of ways. It was only later that Workhard realised the colours also matched those of the local Premiership soccer club. However, it was not his place to reason over the motives for wearing them, as long as they fulfilled their advertising function.
His greatest coup had been to get a supply of sponsored sweatshirts to be worn by all members of the Department who were attending conferences. These looked quite ordinary until the wearer raised their arm to ask a question at which point the name of a multinational pipette manufacturer was revealed to all. So far this had resulted in the company being advertised at meetings the length and breadth of Britain as well as across Europe and even in the USA. The company's marketing director was very pleased and so was Workhard because this idea had been inspired by him reading that the undersides of F1 drivers' sleeves were sponsored so that company names would be seen on TV when arms were raised in victory.
What a great piece of lateral thinking this whole enterprise had been; on a par with the thought processes that had inspired his best experiments! It was so good he was hearing rumours that he might be in line for an award at the advertising industry's equivalent of the Oscars. The project had so far raised over £100,000. Even better, its success had been noticed by the V-C who was now investigating whether academic gowns worn at graduation ceremonies could be auctioned in the same way. As a result Workhard's reputation in the corridors of power had risen considerably.
Workhard awoke It had all been a dream! He had fallen asleep at his desk after a rather heavy lunch. His lab coat hanging on the door was as white and unadorned as the day it was new. Around him lay the advertisements he had been reading when he nodded off, one with a picture of a racing car. At first Workhard felt deflated but then he reflected that the dream had been so vivid perhaps it was a portent. He had always dismissed his F1-inspired idea as ridiculous, but perhaps it wasn't. If he could persuade someone to buy the concept he might make a real name for the Department (and himself). Then he remembered his former graduate student, Imidge Izawl, who had left science to become an advertising and marketing executive. With great anticipation he lifted the telephone to begin what he hoped would be a new era in the sponsorship of science.
